Well it’s been a while since my last post… it’s been a busy time of late, but since starting this project and shooting the videos I’ve done so far. I’ve seen within myself a truth that I really didn’t want to see, but I think given the circumstances of my life over the past few years are… understandable.
The truth is I was angry and deeply so. Not at life, nor cancer or towards anyone else… the focus of my anger was on myself for being such a dumb-ass and waiting so long before seeing a doctor. I really don’t like “if only” thinking because I know its a wasted space of thinking, not to mention time. But admittedly I had them… Grrr!
The root of my anger stems from my own profound dislike of all things stupid… mistakes, and accidental actions I can handle but stupid gets me seeing red, because stupid is a thoughtless action taken without regard for anyone or anything else.
In waiting so long before getting a diagnosis, with my head shoved firmly up own ass-umtion of “she’ll be right” I have created a bow-wave of effects that will ripple ahead of me through time, and long after I’m gone.
Now stop to think about that for a moment, the actions you take today affect your tomorrow. Once you actually take the time to really and honestly open your mind to this truth, you discover the profound reality that you are creating history ahead of you.
Of course I now wonder what history have I paid forward?
The videos I’ve created have been therapeutic for me and have enabled me to see this anger… and of course the challenge becomes forgiving myself for such an amazing level of stupid. That I think will take some time.
After the new year I’ll start posting more regular posts and thoughts about this wondrous thing called life. I think that’s the other side of my reality, I’m here now – and there’s not much I can do to change where I am… but perhaps through this forum I can help someone else to find courage or motivation to paint a different history.
Maybe in this way I’ll find absolution within my own soul.
For now, keep fighting the good fight… Have an awesome Xmas, and if by chance you don’t celebrate Christmas, then put on a feast have a party and celebrate the simple joy of life.
Love to you all…